Thursday, August 18, 2016

I just can't

I really can't. I do try and am still trying, you know? I've always been trying! But it's just impossible. It's not like I'd forget you. You are the sole permanent resident in my heart!!! I can assure you that. Peoples often told me to get over you and just, accept, some other persona. BUT I JUST CAN'T! Why? Because I DON'T WANT! And you know me right? you know that I won't do things that I don't want.

I've been doing stuff, you know, call it sleazy stuff or whatever, but I was just messing around. I CAN'T BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE! I tainted myself upon trying but the thoughts of being together with you is perennial. It stays forever and I know I could never wash away all my thoughts of you. This very second, I still love you just as much as I've always loved you, and it will never change. I'm willing to even sacrifice my life and even my soul for you. If God could ever swap between the life and the dead, I'll concur hastily!

I don't care if I'd never ever get married, like I could? How am I able to love someone else when I'm still head over heels in love with you? I might as well be alone for the rest of my life. What's the difference? I've been alone for so long already. 10 years or so won't make any big difference will it? God, of course it is, 10 years without you! I could never imagine that. How am I supposed to live this life now? Please tell me!? This excruciating pain is killing me.

I've cried so much I thought I'm gonna die.
I tried, you know, but I can't do it alone.
For someone like me, you are my everything.
And because you are my everything, I'm nothing without you.

No one would ever love you just as much as I love you
No one would ever love me just as much as you love me

The day when we'll meet again would be the happiest moment of my 'life'
and I really look forward to it

Monday, July 25, 2016

What will happen one minute after we die?

I cried while watching this video, not because I' was sad, but because I'm so moved by the truth. It's so biblical. I'm so lucky to have watched this video that it gives a glimmer of hope to my sad heart.

"Now the poor man (Lazarus) died and was carried away by the angels to Abraham's bosom..."
LUKE 16:19-31

dies a perishable body,
raised imperishable
sown in dishonor, raised in glory
sown in weakness, raised in power

When a person dies:

your spirit goes into hades/heaven
and you are the same person that you were on earth


"I beg you father Abraham, send him (lazarus) to my... five brothers, to warn them no to come to this place of torment."
LUKE 16:19-31

Q: do you think that my husband remembers me in heaven?

A: dear lady, do you think that your husband is going to know less in heaven than he did on earth?
of course he remembers you
he remembers you with CLARITY
and not only that he continues to love you
of course he continues to love you
in fact he continues to love you with a much purer love

relationship in heaven:
we are not going to be married in heaven, we will be like an angel in heaven.
but of course in heaven,
my mother will be known to me as my mother
my father will be known to me as my father
those kind of personal relationship will continue.

theologian, author,
pastor - moody church - chicago, IL

Monday, July 18, 2016

I don't have anyone but you

One day, Willy pmed me on facebook saying that he got something that really stressed him out, and told me that he really need to talk to me. But he added this:

Willy: I admit it's all because of me, you did nothing wrong. I just wanted to share my thoughts with you...
I don't have anyone else but you, and I don't know who to talk to.

To my surprise, what he wanted to talk about is about his vague idea about hauling himself out of the guild in ragnarok. (I left first tho) -.- Lmao I brust on laughing, He approached me with a very serious "tone" I thought it was something that's super important. But I knew he'd be so guilty about quitting the guild, because the guild master is our irl friend. but seriously ahaha... it's just a game for me so I said sorry to him because I left first (thing just doesn't go right for me there).

Anyway, it's really sad for him to say that "I don't have anyone else but you"
he said this to me several times on different occasions.
"I'm lonely" "I'm glad that I have you now" "I don't know who to talk to" "I don't have anyone else but you"
"I want to be with you" "I miss you" "I want to hug you now" :(

Why? you know
Willy shares my pain
He feels what I feel
He's lacking a figure in a family
Just like me

difference is, things go a bit better for him later on, but not for me.
good for him. I don't want him to feel what I feel, or to be as lonely as me.

I'm really lucky to have him.
I'm really blessed to be loved by him.
Willy just simply know how I feel. know almost all the causes to why I'm like this.
He told me that I've been alone for too long already, and that I need to be healed by staying close to someone that really care for me. Oh my god... can you imagine how much I'd cry hearing those caring word? I'm not exaggerating but not even a family would say that to me.
For me, Willy and my father are the only 'real' family I have now.

He knows how much I've been in pain because he himself experienced the same thing.
we share similar childhood and family background.
So being in a same frequency, we clique each other perfectly.

No one will ever love me as much as Willy love me
and I'd never love anyone just as much as I love Willy :)

That being said

He's my everything
And I'm his everything

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Endless Love

You must have that one song that reminds you to someone
talking about song, there are several song that reminds me to my soulmate :)
the first is Endless love - The Myth OST by Jackie Chan & Kim Hee Sun
and the second being Theme's of Payon - vocal version from Ragnarok Online, the game that we used to play a lot together. In fact, we spent our last year together playing iRO.

I really like both of the songs, especially Endless love
the lyric is just all about us. Here's the english version of the song, so heartbreaking, but depicting my heart to its utmost, in a form of a song :)

"Release me from this mysterious waiting
the stars are falling; the wind is blowing.
Finally I can hold you in my arms.
Two hearts beating together.
Believe me that my heart has never-change
waiting a thousand year, You have my promise
No matter how many cold winter have passed

I will never let you go.
Now hold my hands, and close your eyes
Please think about the days when we were in love.
We loved each other too much, it caused us such pain
We can’t even say “I love you”

Every night my heart aches.
I never stop thinking of you.
I am used to being alone for such a long time
And I face it with a smile.
Believe me, I choose to wait.
Even though it’s painful, I won’t leave.
Only your tenderness can save me
From the endless cold.

Let the love in our hearts
Become a blossoming flower
We can pass through time, never bowing our heads,
And never giving up our dream.

Only true love follows us
as we travel through the endless space and time.

Love is the only myth that exist in the hearts that never change."


I still remember that one night when I was karaokeing with my friends, I just had an urgent feeling to meet Willy, I shouted in my head "I need to meet him NOW!"
This sudden urge blew me up at the moment I hear "endless love" for the very first time, I don't know why, like it has to be now. So I left with remaining karaoke hours just to meet him. it was around 8/9 pm I recall.

I messaged him, "hey I want to meet you now."
he replied, stating that it's already late and tomorrow would be better
I ignored him anyway, lol. I came to a cybercafe where we first met and sms him, "I'm at dios" to which he replied "I'll be there soon"

I feel bad. My message woke him up from his sleep -.- but duh, I just need to meet him even for a brief moment, that's ok I told him. He came in a navy green jacket and smiled upon meeting me and hugged me tight and telling me he missed me, and that I also need to go home cuz it's already late (9pm ish). I asked him if he knows the song that brought me here "endless love", "yes" he answered, and told me that it was a nice movie (but sad). We spent a few minutes standing on the staircase, hugging each other. We miss each other badly almost everyday, I even tell him that I miss him even when he's right beside me.

"we'll meet again tomorrow" he said, smiling.
I ok-ed with sorrow. haha we always miss each other badly every day.
a day feels like a year, what I'm going to do now with him passing by before me? :) it's nearly been a year.

anyway, everytime I hear this song. I remember how he cradled me in his arms, and sing me my favorite song or just listening to endless love together.
I'll close my eyes, smiling, enjoying every micro second I could, that it feels so comfortable when he's around. I feel safe.
 and when we're not together, he would sing it through raidcal.
Every night my heart aches.
I never stop thinking of you.
I am used to being alone for such a long time
And I face it with a smile.
Believe me, I choose to wait.
Even though it’s painful, I won’t leave.
Only your tenderness can save me
From the endless cold.

"Missing you more than anything" ♥

Sunday, June 12, 2016


"This pain of losing you doesn’t heal. It eventually gets numbed by the challenge of getting on with life with a part missing, but the thought of you is always just below the surface."
 - Katie Paul

This is what I read today from Katie's blog
I was searching for something awful, that's been sitting on my head, bottled up, for nearly a year now. I don't know if I could keep on going like this. But this Katie, she shares the similar pain with me. The pain of losing someone we love dearly. I'm so depressed and I want to let it all out, but to whom I can talk? The last time I tried to tell someone about it things got worse and ended up with me being treated like a freak. But it's not it. to life with this kind of burden is terribly hard, especially when you live alone without any support from a family.

And every-single-day
That memories from a year back haunt me.
That looks of your loved one dying in your arm, right beside you
You feel me now?
No you don't
And for someone who's always been alone, like me
It's absolutely different
Like there's no one going to be as nice as him, no one is going to be as good as him, no, not even close. He's my everything.

When someone we love dearly dies, we are faced with a significant transition – the move from living our life with them to being without them.  We may wonder if life will ever be the same– Will I ever feel normal again? Would I be able to go all through this? How am I supposed to live with this wound? It's still as fresh. Then the questions spread. do I still want to achieve my dream? do I want to see other peoples suffer like me in loneliness? Can I help them? In what way? Can I help myself so that I can help them?

Sometimes I really feel like this is it. When Paul and Job said I'd better go back to your place my Lord and be with you. I really do want too. But then again I know that it's not how it supposed to be. Like I need to get stronger, like I need to do something that deep-deep in my heart I'd always wanted to, for a long time. I know I could help others too because we all being born with the ability to do so. But clear enough that I can't do that with my current condition. How am I able to help myself if me myself isn't fuctioning either? Letting God works might be the best thing I could do now.

Yeah I think it's not time to give up yet.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Miss you

Still missing you and loving just just as much as I've always loved you.
You're still the same, just a bit sadder.
I don't want you to be sad
 let it be just me

I miss you
I love you
I want to be with you
I don't want anyone else

Monday, May 9, 2016

Happy Anniversary 1 Year

Seven Roses, white and pink
My favorite number, my favorite colors

I hold it dearly while saying "Yes. I want! As of course, silly question!"

Happy Anniversary :)
Lauw Willly 'Auswich' & Kim 'Lacielle'
Missed you more than I'd ever missed anything before!

I bet you gonna love this pixel art if you see it :)