Monday, December 26, 2016

share the love

one time, upon knowing what was happened to me (about my family), someone asked "how could you be that strong?"

in fact, I'm not strong
I'm weak, I did want to commit suicide but something told me that

"even if I don't get enough love, I still CAN give love to others, to broken people like me, lots of people out there need the love. and every human is a unlimited source of LOVE."

I stammered, that words is echoing in my mind, again and again.

all that I know is that when I look down
there's people who don't even get to sleep in a warm bed
there's people who don't even got a home
there's people who are disabled
there's people who don't get enough food everyday

tears dribbled down my cheek as I know how thankful I am for this beautiful life. Eventhough I don't have my own house now, I could rent a room and I can sleep on a bed, I can eat everyday, and I can share the love I have.

and eventhough I'm physically alone now, I wouldn't waver.
it's been good.

all I want is to take away all the sorrow from the broken and lonely souls like me.
I hope I'd have time and strength to make that happen

Love to Father

Father, If I still may ask, I just want to learn how to love you more and in a right way.
I know I haven't been loving you enough, but instead I love myself more.
teach me to deny myself
teach me to love you more than anything else in this world
more than I have loved anything else

I've given up my wish to have my own little family
but if you want me to have one let it be done according to your will, not my will
Teach me to totally give myself to you Father
for I know that your plans are not to harm me, but to help me
I need your guide to understand, and to walk with you in this trial

don't abandon me Father
love me still
and while I'm still here
please use me as a tool to help those broken souls


Thursday, December 22, 2016

washed out

a few days ago, I decided to finally wash the dark green jacket that Willy left for me. I gave my yellow jacket to Willy and I still remember when he said that he loved to wear it because there's still a whiff of my scent there. He also told me that he wore my jacket when he was doing a check up at RSHS.

for you, washing jacket might be just an incosequential thing to do. but well, you know, I haven't washed his jacket for more than a year now. I sniffed on the jacket right before I washed it and there's still a teeny bit of willy's scent left there. I cried. But with washing that, I told myself that I'm ready to go on a new journey. to start fresh.

While of course I'll still be clutching my memories of Willy in my heart, I also need to keep on moving forward, with or without a partner. I'm not afraid, really. it's just that I'm drop dead tired. I don't know how long I could stand still. But as long as I'm strong enough, at least I've always been trying, through tears and laughter.

and just a week ago, I lost someone that's very dear to me. I keep on losing someone, that's so sad. I won't talk much about it though...

but anyway, again, with or without partner, I will try to keep on moving. I'll trudge down the way.

May God be with me

Monday, September 12, 2016

One year ago, today part II

Willy died - this very time, one year ago. When Willy died, he takes away the most part of my heart with him.  Even until now I still feel empty inside.

It's 11:34 now... this very time - one year ago- I wept deeply besides him. Forcing him to just freaking wake up! It's been an hour since his HOD. the doc announced it was at 10.15 pm. I'd never ever forget that horrifying moment.

by the way. I can't really talk much now. I'm so distressed right now and wouldn't be as articulated as per se... you know, though there's lots of stuff I want to talk about. Particularly about my feeling and depression. though, I'm telling you now that I've been TRYING to let it all go and just to be happy. But sometimes, it's hard you know? I gotta keep thinking that "Willy is better with the Lord now than when he's with me in the world."

I'll make a full post about the last day saw him in the hospital later... It's a sad sad story. But I think some people just need to know. And in case, I'll (or might) die soon. because my PH is killing me. idk I just want want want to meet him soon, and btw I really will :) I'm off to cirebon today, just like 5 hours from now. I've been wanting to pay him a visit. I'll get lots of rose petals for him :)

still love you and will always love you yea?

Saturday, September 3, 2016

do we know when we are going to die?

I wonder. Because to me, Willy acted like he knew it all along. Like there won't be much time for us left in this world. If I say I kind of 'sense' it too, sense all the things that's going to happen, I reckon you won't never ever believe it. Because I too, won't. But it really happened.Willy might know he's going to take a rest soon. And I had that feeling that we would be separated quite fast, which of course baffled me because I know I'd never cheat on him, because I know I love him so very much! I mean I'll do anything to keep him around, I can't say it enough that I'd even give up my life to take him back. Nah, that being said. The only last thing that I seriously refuse to believe is the impending death. Either my own death or Willy's.

 Willy's last profile picture on telegram

Death is just a matter of time, we all know that.

I had this incredulous vision just a couple week before he passed away. I saw myself sitting on a red chair, crying and weeping in despair, looking totally lost and devastated. Next to me is a white coffin, but I can't see the person inside.

But I know that's a very close person to me
And I only have ONE person who's close to me
It's Willy
I shook my head to clear the vision. I thought,

'NO ONE IS GOING TO DIE. But if someone must, let it be just me, Willy got a loving mother and family. Me? Yes I have a loving dad and I know he's the person that will be saddened the most when I die. But it's better for Willy to keep on living because I WANT HIM TO LIVE HIS LIFE. Because he got more people love him than I do.

I really thought it was me who was going to die. I need 4 packs of blood to be transfused each year anyway. I'm chronically ill and I hope it's really me who'll die!!! There's no way Willy is going to die, no freaking way. I should be the one who die, not him. BUT WHY HIM?

Willy said if we die, we'll die together.

I rebuked him for that. This one is obviously him being witty.

To the more obvious one, in a serious manner. this happened one year

I gave my bank card to him and a few days later he insisted on giving it back to me.
I refused, because it's already 23.00!!! and I knew he's sick. I don't want him to be even sicker! I mean If he wants I could go to his place tmr. Just seriously not that night because he really need to take a rest! I got stressed out knowing that someone I care about is sick, let alone coming all the way to my house in a middle of the night! JUST NO.

He said:

"while there's still time" "I want to be with you" "who knows tomorrow.... (we'll gonna die)"

I had to rebuke him for saying such a stupid thing! The thought of him passing before me got me stressed out big time! He's the only one for me, if he's not around I'll be alone again!!! How should I live without him? You have your family, while I don't! Willy is my family! My father is too busy, though he cares for me a lot. But Willy is the ONLY person who stand by me side during my hardship.


Around May, or June...
Willy and I had a dinner together at "racun 12 unpar". He munched softly before suddenly placed his fork and spoon on the plate. He averted his eyes from plate to me, staring at me in a serious manner, and abruptly said:

"I won't live pass thirty"

"huh? What's that all of a sudden?" I protested
"I seriously won't live pass thirty, you'll see" he insisted.
"don't say such things, ok! I WON'T LIVE PASS THIRTY TOO! So I'll die soon" I retorted.
"No please don't die on me, I'd be crazy if you go first I'll kill myself"
"I'll kill myself too if you die!!!" (*Note that I'm still suicidal while writing this, but the thought of God keeps me sane and... breathing, at least, though not in a very good shape)

"why are you saying that?" I questioned him
"I don't know, just feel like so."
"never ever say such things anymore!"
"sorry kim..."


On other occasion, he was driving me back and it was close to my then bouse already. He said

"I can't. I really can't and won't accept if you die before me. I'd be crazy  I just don't know.... I mean I must die first"

I had to rebuke him again for that. Like seriously, he keeps on talking about die die and die, in a different manner with me. Of course I've said such kind of thing, once, or twice, things like, "it's better for me to die first"

I remember telling him a long story of a girl, -but let's keep it short- who got separated with her lover, and after years of hardship, they managed to be together again. But the girl was too sick and died not long after that.

I asked willy, "who suffer the most?"
Willy bawled, "THE BOY LAH! WTF is that story I hate it you are an inept story maker, why so sad!? Of course the boy is the one who suffer the most!"
I laughed, "The story just went by my mind ok? Don't you think the girl would suffer too? She'd be sad and culpable because she died, leaving the boy alone?"
"Damn I hate sad story and this is sad! you're the worst writer! both are sad but if I'd choose I don't want that boy position, ever! it sucks I'll get crazy!"

Of course I prefer to die first too, if I can choose.
But thinking about it, Willy might suffer a lot if I die. So yeah, what happened to me, though  it's excruciatingly painful... it's better! as long as Willy is not suffering... because I can safely assume that he's closer with God now. Of course he'd prolly be happier than me. And I really do hope so.


Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Today one year ago

was the last time I 'met' Willy. I still remember how smitten he was each time upon seeing me, and vice versa. I feel so loved :( he'd be like "why are you so sweet? why are you so lovely? why are you so cute?" and he'd still be doing that albeit my hideous dermatitis!!! I thought, so was just jesting around teasing me, but later I know he really told me the truth (of what he feels), while I've known him for 6 years, he's not the type that go jest around, eventhough he do lies sometimes. He told me this:

"I've never really loved someone before. You are the first person I've ever truly loved. I jerked around with girls before, lots of times, but initially it was not love, eventhough by times I grew care of them but what I feel now is totally different. I've never felt like this before."

I don't know if he's lying or not. though I hope not
all I know is that Willy is the type that "can't be far away for too long" when he really loves someone. and it happened to me.  Everyday, without fail, he'd message me "I miss you, can we meet today? please?"
to which I often reject (starting July) because I felt hideous and was too afraid to meet him (my dermatitis started to flare up again badly in July 2015). *We used to meet so very often though!* He replied "ok :( but I miss you, I'll meet you in game" yea we were playing IRo together.

When we finally met, after a month of being alone with my dermatitis... I felt muddled inside and was extremely afraid that's Willy's going to hate me and then ditch me because I've turned out hideous! But to my surprise, he acted perfectly normal, and told me that it's not as severe as he'd imagined. And ended it with the usualy "you are so pretty!" I still felt ugly though :( I fret. And here's what he told me

"you are underestimating my love! it's not a grimcrack love, I don't care about superficial beauty, it doesn't matter as long as it's you. And you're definitely not hideous, the allergy will fade away but my love won't."

I really had to cry and I sob in his bosom. That time, (july-august)  Willy got sty on his eye. We both look hideous and after I got my sense back we both laughed at ourselves. "Ugly couple!" No lah Willy still look handsome even with sty, I love him no matter what! :) I still remember I put on sterilized gause to cover his eye so that he won't catch any dust on his way home.

Back to today, one year ago.

There's something creepy happened.
It's all start in IRo. I WAS BEING A TOTAL DUMBSHIT, scolded him one time but in a hard way, that's painful enough for him to say

 "that's crazy! I won't be looking for you again ever this time!" 

then he logged off

DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB ME! Ikr I'm the meaniest person in the world and deserved to be put in hellish abyss.

Anyhow, that time, I brimmed with anger over his sentence because he'd said "I won't be looking for you again" one time too many! Yes we did fight and it's me who cut the relationship, like 2-3 times if I recall. And everytime I did that, he'd replied with the casual "I won't be looking for you again." and then, before 24 hours even passed, he'd call me, message me, came over to my house, weeping in sadness:

"please don't leave me I beg you, I can't live without you and I better just go die, please just don't I just can't can't can't live without you. IF IT'S NOT YOU I CAN'T! I've never BEGGED anyone before to stay with me but this time I'll put my pride down and I'll BEG. I beg you to stay with me, please! I tried but I can't get you off my mind, it really has to be you and I don't want anyone else."

something to that sense, and he litterally cried.
*this was the story of months before 30 august 2015. To which I remembered, and got so angry because it was hard on my part to cut our relationship. I meant it's not easy c'mon I need to prepare my heart and deep inside it was so excruciating!

Don't get us wrong though, we fought often, but most of times we get along fab and I truly truly love him. I cut him up back then BECAUSE I LOVE HIM. Not because I've stopped loving him! I know I am a broken glass inside and he, who tried to fix me, got lacerated big times. And I don't want him to get hurt, but what I did was so wrong... I hurt him even more!

This story from months ago brimmed me in anger.

I called him and asked him to come over to my house. I was so angry that I hollered to him in a high pitched voice. Weirdly, he agreed to come. And so I wait.

Nah. then this happened

As I wait, I felt that my anger gradually subsided and poof! like it was never there! Like, "what the hell got me so angry with him??? Am I crazy or what?" And suddenly, an overwhelming burst of love kicked in. This is the usual me, but this time it's kind of different, it's much more abundant.

I waited for him anxiously...

There he came, in his shabby white shirt, riding a blue megapro.

I hurled at him and cried my heart out.
I said sorry profusely. I cried I cried and I cried
Willy looked totally bewildered and said, "What happened??!!!" then he tagged me inside.

In a waiting room, while he sit on sofa, I kneeled before him, still crying, I said:

"this time, I'll put my pride down, I will BEG you that you will stay with me, forever, never leave me, and promise me that you will  really stay beside me. I've never begged anyone to stay with me before, that time when you begged me to stay, I stayed. This time I'll ask you to return the favor to me. I really am sorry, I'm so sorry, I've hurted you with my foul mouth. I'll try to be a better person for you. I'll fix myself. But I NEED you to stay because it just has to be you. I've never loved anyone as much as I've loved you. Please forgive me! Please stay with me! Never to leave me! promise me!"

I sobbed a lot while saying it and I really cried my heart out. The world is going to end without Willy I know that I don't have anyone else other than him, and no one has ever cared for me just as much as Willy did.

Willy, seemed shocked and totally dumbfounded. He smiled... and responded.

"eh why... all this? I should be the one who said sorry for saying such things. of course I will never leave you! I can't love anyone else other than you, you know that... I've said that so many times. I know I'm going to look for you again tomorrow, that's why I knew why you got so vexed just now. I'm sorry"
Me: "you forgive me?" *sob
Willy: "of course"
Me: "thanks... and promise that you will stay with me forever?"
Willy: "yes I promise I'll never ever leave you. You know how much I've missed you each day!"

Then we hug each other, I was so happy that we managed to sort things out.

Willy looked so happy and told me jokingly, "I thought I was going to get beat up real bad, you sounded so angry at phone!"
Me: "Wah crazy why would I??? I'd never ever punch someone I love! Even if I get annoyed big times I'd never punch you!"

Then we headed out to "Asia Bagoes" our favorite restaurant for a dinner.
We were so happy.

I remember I had no helmet on, sitting right behind Willy on his motorbike. I hugged him and rested my head on his back. Never to feel more peaceful.

Me: "it's nice to not wear helmet yea?"
Willy: "why?"
Me: "so I can rest my head on you"
Willy: "waah cheating, I want too!"

That's one of the happiest day in my life.
But that's also the last day I 'met' him. The last of which I saw him in person, had a chat with irl, and be together.

I still remember how he contorted his face and pout to me in a joking manner when he went off home. He waved at me and I waved him back, smiling.

I have a bunch of story of what had happened the next day, it's so excruciating. I think I'll write it in a separate entry.

I've been crying a lot lately. No one consoles me. I hope Willy is here with me now :( I miss you Wil...

Thursday, August 18, 2016

I just can't

I really can't. I do try and am still trying, you know? I've always been trying! But it's just impossible. It's not like I'd forget you. You are the sole permanent resident in my heart!!! I can assure you that. Peoples often told me to get over you and just, accept, some other persona. BUT I JUST CAN'T! Why? Because I DON'T WANT! And you know me right? you know that I won't do things that I don't want.

I've been doing stuff, you know, call it sleazy stuff or whatever, but I was just messing around. I CAN'T BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE! I tainted myself upon trying but the thoughts of being together with you is perennial. It stays forever and I know I could never wash away all my thoughts of you. This very second, I still love you just as much as I've always loved you, and it will never change. I'm willing to even sacrifice my life and even my soul for you. If God could ever swap between the life and the dead, I'll concur hastily!

I don't care if I'd never ever get married, like I could? How am I able to love someone else when I'm still head over heels in love with you? I might as well be alone for the rest of my life. What's the difference? I've been alone for so long already. 10 years or so won't make any big difference will it? God, of course it is, 10 years without you! I could never imagine that. How am I supposed to live this life now? Please tell me!? This excruciating pain is killing me.

I've cried so much I thought I'm gonna die.
I tried, you know, but I can't do it alone.
For someone like me, you are my everything.
And because you are my everything, I'm nothing without you.

No one would ever love you just as much as I love you
No one would ever love me just as much as you love me

The day when we'll meet again would be the happiest moment of my 'life'
and I really look forward to it