Monday, September 12, 2016

One year ago, today part II

Willy died - this very time, one year ago. When Willy died, he takes away the most part of my heart with him.  Even until now I still feel empty inside.

It's 11:34 now... this very time - one year ago- I wept deeply besides him. Forcing him to just freaking wake up! It's been an hour since his HOD. the doc announced it was at 10.15 pm. I'd never ever forget that horrifying moment.

by the way. I can't really talk much now. I'm so distressed right now and wouldn't be as articulated as per se... you know, though there's lots of stuff I want to talk about. Particularly about my feeling and depression. though, I'm telling you now that I've been TRYING to let it all go and just to be happy. But sometimes, it's hard you know? I gotta keep thinking that "Willy is better with the Lord now than when he's with me in the world."

I'll make a full post about the last day saw him in the hospital later... It's a sad sad story. But I think some people just need to know. And in case, I'll (or might) die soon. because my PH is killing me. idk I just want want want to meet him soon, and btw I really will :) I'm off to cirebon today, just like 5 hours from now. I've been wanting to pay him a visit. I'll get lots of rose petals for him :)

still love you and will always love you yea?

Saturday, September 3, 2016

do we know when we are going to die?

I wonder. Because to me, Willy acted like he knew it all along. Like there won't be much time for us left in this world. If I say I kind of 'sense' it too, sense all the things that's going to happen, I reckon you won't never ever believe it. Because I too, won't. But it really happened.Willy might know he's going to take a rest soon. And I had that feeling that we would be separated quite fast, which of course baffled me because I know I'd never cheat on him, because I know I love him so very much! I mean I'll do anything to keep him around, I can't say it enough that I'd even give up my life to take him back. Nah, that being said. The only last thing that I seriously refuse to believe is the impending death. Either my own death or Willy's.

 Willy's last profile picture on telegram

Death is just a matter of time, we all know that.

I had this incredulous vision just a couple week before he passed away. I saw myself sitting on a red chair, crying and weeping in despair, looking totally lost and devastated. Next to me is a white coffin, but I can't see the person inside.

But I know that's a very close person to me
And I only have ONE person who's close to me
It's Willy
I shook my head to clear the vision. I thought,

'NO ONE IS GOING TO DIE. But if someone must, let it be just me, Willy got a loving mother and family. Me? Yes I have a loving dad and I know he's the person that will be saddened the most when I die. But it's better for Willy to keep on living because I WANT HIM TO LIVE HIS LIFE. Because he got more people love him than I do.

I really thought it was me who was going to die. I need 4 packs of blood to be transfused each year anyway. I'm chronically ill and I hope it's really me who'll die!!! There's no way Willy is going to die, no freaking way. I should be the one who die, not him. BUT WHY HIM?

Willy said if we die, we'll die together.

I rebuked him for that. This one is obviously him being witty.

To the more obvious one, in a serious manner. this happened one year

I gave my bank card to him and a few days later he insisted on giving it back to me.
I refused, because it's already 23.00!!! and I knew he's sick. I don't want him to be even sicker! I mean If he wants I could go to his place tmr. Just seriously not that night because he really need to take a rest! I got stressed out knowing that someone I care about is sick, let alone coming all the way to my house in a middle of the night! JUST NO.

He said:

"while there's still time" "I want to be with you" "who knows tomorrow.... (we'll gonna die)"

I had to rebuke him for saying such a stupid thing! The thought of him passing before me got me stressed out big time! He's the only one for me, if he's not around I'll be alone again!!! How should I live without him? You have your family, while I don't! Willy is my family! My father is too busy, though he cares for me a lot. But Willy is the ONLY person who stand by me side during my hardship.


Around May, or June...
Willy and I had a dinner together at "racun 12 unpar". He munched softly before suddenly placed his fork and spoon on the plate. He averted his eyes from plate to me, staring at me in a serious manner, and abruptly said:

"I won't live pass thirty"

"huh? What's that all of a sudden?" I protested
"I seriously won't live pass thirty, you'll see" he insisted.
"don't say such things, ok! I WON'T LIVE PASS THIRTY TOO! So I'll die soon" I retorted.
"No please don't die on me, I'd be crazy if you go first I'll kill myself"
"I'll kill myself too if you die!!!" (*Note that I'm still suicidal while writing this, but the thought of God keeps me sane and... breathing, at least, though not in a very good shape)

"why are you saying that?" I questioned him
"I don't know, just feel like so."
"never ever say such things anymore!"
"sorry kim..."


On other occasion, he was driving me back and it was close to my then bouse already. He said

"I can't. I really can't and won't accept if you die before me. I'd be crazy  I just don't know.... I mean I must die first"

I had to rebuke him again for that. Like seriously, he keeps on talking about die die and die, in a different manner with me. Of course I've said such kind of thing, once, or twice, things like, "it's better for me to die first"

I remember telling him a long story of a girl, -but let's keep it short- who got separated with her lover, and after years of hardship, they managed to be together again. But the girl was too sick and died not long after that.

I asked willy, "who suffer the most?"
Willy bawled, "THE BOY LAH! WTF is that story I hate it you are an inept story maker, why so sad!? Of course the boy is the one who suffer the most!"
I laughed, "The story just went by my mind ok? Don't you think the girl would suffer too? She'd be sad and culpable because she died, leaving the boy alone?"
"Damn I hate sad story and this is sad! you're the worst writer! both are sad but if I'd choose I don't want that boy position, ever! it sucks I'll get crazy!"

Of course I prefer to die first too, if I can choose.
But thinking about it, Willy might suffer a lot if I die. So yeah, what happened to me, though  it's excruciatingly painful... it's better! as long as Willy is not suffering... because I can safely assume that he's closer with God now. Of course he'd prolly be happier than me. And I really do hope so.


Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Today one year ago

was the last time I 'met' Willy. I still remember how smitten he was each time upon seeing me, and vice versa. I feel so loved :( he'd be like "why are you so sweet? why are you so lovely? why are you so cute?" and he'd still be doing that albeit my hideous dermatitis!!! I thought, so was just jesting around teasing me, but later I know he really told me the truth (of what he feels), while I've known him for 6 years, he's not the type that go jest around, eventhough he do lies sometimes. He told me this:

"I've never really loved someone before. You are the first person I've ever truly loved. I jerked around with girls before, lots of times, but initially it was not love, eventhough by times I grew care of them but what I feel now is totally different. I've never felt like this before."

I don't know if he's lying or not. though I hope not
all I know is that Willy is the type that "can't be far away for too long" when he really loves someone. and it happened to me.  Everyday, without fail, he'd message me "I miss you, can we meet today? please?"
to which I often reject (starting July) because I felt hideous and was too afraid to meet him (my dermatitis started to flare up again badly in July 2015). *We used to meet so very often though!* He replied "ok :( but I miss you, I'll meet you in game" yea we were playing IRo together.

When we finally met, after a month of being alone with my dermatitis... I felt muddled inside and was extremely afraid that's Willy's going to hate me and then ditch me because I've turned out hideous! But to my surprise, he acted perfectly normal, and told me that it's not as severe as he'd imagined. And ended it with the usualy "you are so pretty!" I still felt ugly though :( I fret. And here's what he told me

"you are underestimating my love! it's not a grimcrack love, I don't care about superficial beauty, it doesn't matter as long as it's you. And you're definitely not hideous, the allergy will fade away but my love won't."

I really had to cry and I sob in his bosom. That time, (july-august)  Willy got sty on his eye. We both look hideous and after I got my sense back we both laughed at ourselves. "Ugly couple!" No lah Willy still look handsome even with sty, I love him no matter what! :) I still remember I put on sterilized gause to cover his eye so that he won't catch any dust on his way home.

Back to today, one year ago.

There's something creepy happened.
It's all start in IRo. I WAS BEING A TOTAL DUMBSHIT, scolded him one time but in a hard way, that's painful enough for him to say

 "that's crazy! I won't be looking for you again ever this time!" 

then he logged off

DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB ME! Ikr I'm the meaniest person in the world and deserved to be put in hellish abyss.

Anyhow, that time, I brimmed with anger over his sentence because he'd said "I won't be looking for you again" one time too many! Yes we did fight and it's me who cut the relationship, like 2-3 times if I recall. And everytime I did that, he'd replied with the casual "I won't be looking for you again." and then, before 24 hours even passed, he'd call me, message me, came over to my house, weeping in sadness:

"please don't leave me I beg you, I can't live without you and I better just go die, please just don't I just can't can't can't live without you. IF IT'S NOT YOU I CAN'T! I've never BEGGED anyone before to stay with me but this time I'll put my pride down and I'll BEG. I beg you to stay with me, please! I tried but I can't get you off my mind, it really has to be you and I don't want anyone else."

something to that sense, and he litterally cried.
*this was the story of months before 30 august 2015. To which I remembered, and got so angry because it was hard on my part to cut our relationship. I meant it's not easy c'mon I need to prepare my heart and deep inside it was so excruciating!

Don't get us wrong though, we fought often, but most of times we get along fab and I truly truly love him. I cut him up back then BECAUSE I LOVE HIM. Not because I've stopped loving him! I know I am a broken glass inside and he, who tried to fix me, got lacerated big times. And I don't want him to get hurt, but what I did was so wrong... I hurt him even more!

This story from months ago brimmed me in anger.

I called him and asked him to come over to my house. I was so angry that I hollered to him in a high pitched voice. Weirdly, he agreed to come. And so I wait.

Nah. then this happened

As I wait, I felt that my anger gradually subsided and poof! like it was never there! Like, "what the hell got me so angry with him??? Am I crazy or what?" And suddenly, an overwhelming burst of love kicked in. This is the usual me, but this time it's kind of different, it's much more abundant.

I waited for him anxiously...

There he came, in his shabby white shirt, riding a blue megapro.

I hurled at him and cried my heart out.
I said sorry profusely. I cried I cried and I cried
Willy looked totally bewildered and said, "What happened??!!!" then he tagged me inside.

In a waiting room, while he sit on sofa, I kneeled before him, still crying, I said:

"this time, I'll put my pride down, I will BEG you that you will stay with me, forever, never leave me, and promise me that you will  really stay beside me. I've never begged anyone to stay with me before, that time when you begged me to stay, I stayed. This time I'll ask you to return the favor to me. I really am sorry, I'm so sorry, I've hurted you with my foul mouth. I'll try to be a better person for you. I'll fix myself. But I NEED you to stay because it just has to be you. I've never loved anyone as much as I've loved you. Please forgive me! Please stay with me! Never to leave me! promise me!"

I sobbed a lot while saying it and I really cried my heart out. The world is going to end without Willy I know that I don't have anyone else other than him, and no one has ever cared for me just as much as Willy did.

Willy, seemed shocked and totally dumbfounded. He smiled... and responded.

"eh why... all this? I should be the one who said sorry for saying such things. of course I will never leave you! I can't love anyone else other than you, you know that... I've said that so many times. I know I'm going to look for you again tomorrow, that's why I knew why you got so vexed just now. I'm sorry"
Me: "you forgive me?" *sob
Willy: "of course"
Me: "thanks... and promise that you will stay with me forever?"
Willy: "yes I promise I'll never ever leave you. You know how much I've missed you each day!"

Then we hug each other, I was so happy that we managed to sort things out.

Willy looked so happy and told me jokingly, "I thought I was going to get beat up real bad, you sounded so angry at phone!"
Me: "Wah crazy why would I??? I'd never ever punch someone I love! Even if I get annoyed big times I'd never punch you!"

Then we headed out to "Asia Bagoes" our favorite restaurant for a dinner.
We were so happy.

I remember I had no helmet on, sitting right behind Willy on his motorbike. I hugged him and rested my head on his back. Never to feel more peaceful.

Me: "it's nice to not wear helmet yea?"
Willy: "why?"
Me: "so I can rest my head on you"
Willy: "waah cheating, I want too!"

That's one of the happiest day in my life.
But that's also the last day I 'met' him. The last of which I saw him in person, had a chat with irl, and be together.

I still remember how he contorted his face and pout to me in a joking manner when he went off home. He waved at me and I waved him back, smiling.

I have a bunch of story of what had happened the next day, it's so excruciating. I think I'll write it in a separate entry.

I've been crying a lot lately. No one consoles me. I hope Willy is here with me now :( I miss you Wil...

Thursday, August 18, 2016

I just can't

I really can't. I do try and am still trying, you know? I've always been trying! But it's just impossible. It's not like I'd forget you. You are the sole permanent resident in my heart!!! I can assure you that. Peoples often told me to get over you and just, accept, some other persona. BUT I JUST CAN'T! Why? Because I DON'T WANT! And you know me right? you know that I won't do things that I don't want.

I've been doing stuff, you know, call it sleazy stuff or whatever, but I was just messing around. I CAN'T BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE! I tainted myself upon trying but the thoughts of being together with you is perennial. It stays forever and I know I could never wash away all my thoughts of you. This very second, I still love you just as much as I've always loved you, and it will never change. I'm willing to even sacrifice my life and even my soul for you. If God could ever swap between the life and the dead, I'll concur hastily!

I don't care if I'd never ever get married, like I could? How am I able to love someone else when I'm still head over heels in love with you? I might as well be alone for the rest of my life. What's the difference? I've been alone for so long already. 10 years or so won't make any big difference will it? God, of course it is, 10 years without you! I could never imagine that. How am I supposed to live this life now? Please tell me!? This excruciating pain is killing me.

I've cried so much I thought I'm gonna die.
I tried, you know, but I can't do it alone.
For someone like me, you are my everything.
And because you are my everything, I'm nothing without you.

No one would ever love you just as much as I love you
No one would ever love me just as much as you love me

The day when we'll meet again would be the happiest moment of my 'life'
and I really look forward to it

Monday, July 25, 2016

What will happen one minute after we die?

I cried while watching this video, not because I' was sad, but because I'm so moved by the truth. It's so biblical. I'm so lucky to have watched this video that it gives a glimmer of hope to my sad heart.

"Now the poor man (Lazarus) died and was carried away by the angels to Abraham's bosom..."
LUKE 16:19-31

dies a perishable body,
raised imperishable
sown in dishonor, raised in glory
sown in weakness, raised in power

When a person dies:

your spirit goes into hades/heaven
and you are the same person that you were on earth


"I beg you father Abraham, send him (lazarus) to my... five brothers, to warn them no to come to this place of torment."
LUKE 16:19-31

Q: do you think that my husband remembers me in heaven?

A: dear lady, do you think that your husband is going to know less in heaven than he did on earth?
of course he remembers you
he remembers you with CLARITY
and not only that he continues to love you
of course he continues to love you
in fact he continues to love you with a much purer love

relationship in heaven:
we are not going to be married in heaven, we will be like an angel in heaven.
but of course in heaven,
my mother will be known to me as my mother
my father will be known to me as my father
those kind of personal relationship will continue.

theologian, author,
pastor - moody church - chicago, IL

Monday, July 18, 2016

I don't have anyone but you

One day, Willy pmed me on facebook saying that he got something that really stressed him out, and told me that he really need to talk to me. But he added this:

Willy: I admit it's all because of me, you did nothing wrong. I just wanted to share my thoughts with you...
I don't have anyone else but you, and I don't know who to talk to.

To my surprise, what he wanted to talk about is about his vague idea about hauling himself out of the guild in ragnarok. (I left first tho) -.- Lmao I brust on laughing, He approached me with a very serious "tone" I thought it was something that's super important. But I knew he'd be so guilty about quitting the guild, because the guild master is our irl friend. but seriously ahaha... it's just a game for me so I said sorry to him because I left first (thing just doesn't go right for me there).

Anyway, it's really sad for him to say that "I don't have anyone else but you"
he said this to me several times on different occasions.
"I'm lonely" "I'm glad that I have you now" "I don't know who to talk to" "I don't have anyone else but you"
"I want to be with you" "I miss you" "I want to hug you now" :(

Why? you know
Willy shares my pain
He feels what I feel
He's lacking a figure in a family
Just like me

difference is, things go a bit better for him later on, but not for me.
good for him. I don't want him to feel what I feel, or to be as lonely as me.

I'm really lucky to have him.
I'm really blessed to be loved by him.
Willy just simply know how I feel. know almost all the causes to why I'm like this.
He told me that I've been alone for too long already, and that I need to be healed by staying close to someone that really care for me. Oh my god... can you imagine how much I'd cry hearing those caring word? I'm not exaggerating but not even a family would say that to me.
For me, Willy and my father are the only 'real' family I have now.

He knows how much I've been in pain because he himself experienced the same thing.
we share similar childhood and family background.
So being in a same frequency, we clique each other perfectly.

No one will ever love me as much as Willy love me
and I'd never love anyone just as much as I love Willy :)

That being said

He's my everything
And I'm his everything

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Endless Love

You must have that one song that reminds you to someone
talking about song, there are several song that reminds me to my soulmate :)
the first is Endless love - The Myth OST by Jackie Chan & Kim Hee Sun
and the second being Theme's of Payon - vocal version from Ragnarok Online, the game that we used to play a lot together. In fact, we spent our last year together playing iRO.

I really like both of the songs, especially Endless love
the lyric is just all about us. Here's the english version of the song, so heartbreaking, but depicting my heart to its utmost, in a form of a song :)

"Release me from this mysterious waiting
the stars are falling; the wind is blowing.
Finally I can hold you in my arms.
Two hearts beating together.
Believe me that my heart has never-change
waiting a thousand year, You have my promise
No matter how many cold winter have passed

I will never let you go.
Now hold my hands, and close your eyes
Please think about the days when we were in love.
We loved each other too much, it caused us such pain
We can’t even say “I love you”

Every night my heart aches.
I never stop thinking of you.
I am used to being alone for such a long time
And I face it with a smile.
Believe me, I choose to wait.
Even though it’s painful, I won’t leave.
Only your tenderness can save me
From the endless cold.

Let the love in our hearts
Become a blossoming flower
We can pass through time, never bowing our heads,
And never giving up our dream.

Only true love follows us
as we travel through the endless space and time.

Love is the only myth that exist in the hearts that never change."


I still remember that one night when I was karaokeing with my friends, I just had an urgent feeling to meet Willy, I shouted in my head "I need to meet him NOW!"
This sudden urge blew me up at the moment I hear "endless love" for the very first time, I don't know why, like it has to be now. So I left with remaining karaoke hours just to meet him. it was around 8/9 pm I recall.

I messaged him, "hey I want to meet you now."
he replied, stating that it's already late and tomorrow would be better
I ignored him anyway, lol. I came to a cybercafe where we first met and sms him, "I'm at dios" to which he replied "I'll be there soon"

I feel bad. My message woke him up from his sleep -.- but duh, I just need to meet him even for a brief moment, that's ok I told him. He came in a navy green jacket and smiled upon meeting me and hugged me tight and telling me he missed me, and that I also need to go home cuz it's already late (9pm ish). I asked him if he knows the song that brought me here "endless love", "yes" he answered, and told me that it was a nice movie (but sad). We spent a few minutes standing on the staircase, hugging each other. We miss each other badly almost everyday, I even tell him that I miss him even when he's right beside me.

"we'll meet again tomorrow" he said, smiling.
I ok-ed with sorrow. haha we always miss each other badly every day.
a day feels like a year, what I'm going to do now with him passing by before me? :) it's nearly been a year.

anyway, everytime I hear this song. I remember how he cradled me in his arms, and sing me my favorite song or just listening to endless love together.
I'll close my eyes, smiling, enjoying every micro second I could, that it feels so comfortable when he's around. I feel safe.
 and when we're not together, he would sing it through raidcal.
Every night my heart aches.
I never stop thinking of you.
I am used to being alone for such a long time
And I face it with a smile.
Believe me, I choose to wait.
Even though it’s painful, I won’t leave.
Only your tenderness can save me
From the endless cold.

"Missing you more than anything" ♥