Sunday, June 12, 2016

Questions

"This pain of losing you doesn’t heal. It eventually gets numbed by the challenge of getting on with life with a part missing, but the thought of you is always just below the surface."
 - Katie Paul

This is what I read today from Katie's blog http://head-heart-health.com
I was searching for something awful, that's been sitting on my head, bottled up, for nearly a year now. I don't know if I could keep on going like this. But this Katie, she shares the similar pain with me. The pain of losing someone we love dearly. I'm so depressed and I want to let it all out, but to whom I can talk? The last time I tried to tell someone about it things got worse and ended up with me being treated like a freak. But it's not it. to life with this kind of burden is terribly hard, especially when you live alone without any support from a family.

And every-single-day
That memories from a year back haunt me.
every-single-hour
That looks of your loved one dying in your arm, right beside you
You feel me now?
No you don't
And for someone who's always been alone, like me
It's absolutely different
Like there's no one going to be as nice as him, no one is going to be as good as him, no, not even close. He's my everything.

When someone we love dearly dies, we are faced with a significant transition – the move from living our life with them to being without them.  We may wonder if life will ever be the same– Will I ever feel normal again? Would I be able to go all through this? How am I supposed to live with this wound? It's still as fresh. Then the questions spread. do I still want to achieve my dream? do I want to see other peoples suffer like me in loneliness? Can I help them? In what way? Can I help myself so that I can help them?

Sometimes I really feel like this is it. When Paul and Job said I'd better go back to your place my Lord and be with you. I really do want too. But then again I know that it's not how it supposed to be. Like I need to get stronger, like I need to do something that deep-deep in my heart I'd always wanted to, for a long time. I know I could help others too because we all being born with the ability to do so. But clear enough that I can't do that with my current condition. How am I able to help myself if me myself isn't fuctioning either? Letting God works might be the best thing I could do now.


Yeah I think it's not time to give up yet.