Monday, September 12, 2016

One year ago, today part II

Willy died - this very time, one year ago. When Willy died, he takes away the most part of my heart with him.  Even until now I still feel empty inside.

It's 11:34 now... this very time - one year ago- I wept deeply besides him. Forcing him to just freaking wake up! It's been an hour since his HOD. the doc announced it was at 10.15 pm. I'd never ever forget that horrifying moment.

by the way. I can't really talk much now. I'm so distressed right now and wouldn't be as articulated as per se... you know, though there's lots of stuff I want to talk about. Particularly about my feeling and depression. though, I'm telling you now that I've been TRYING to let it all go and just to be happy. But sometimes, it's hard you know? I gotta keep thinking that "Willy is better with the Lord now than when he's with me in the world."

I'll make a full post about the last day saw him in the hospital later... It's a sad sad story. But I think some people just need to know. And in case, I'll (or might) die soon. because my PH is killing me. idk I just want want want to meet him soon, and btw I really will :) I'm off to cirebon today, just like 5 hours from now. I've been wanting to pay him a visit. I'll get lots of rose petals for him :)

still love you and will always love you yea?
love,
kim

Saturday, September 3, 2016

do we know when we are going to die?

I wonder. Because to me, Willy acted like he knew it all along. Like there won't be much time for us left in this world. If I say I kind of 'sense' it too, sense all the things that's going to happen, I reckon you won't never ever believe it. Because I too, won't. But it really happened.Willy might know he's going to take a rest soon. And I had that feeling that we would be separated quite fast, which of course baffled me because I know I'd never cheat on him, because I know I love him so very much! I mean I'll do anything to keep him around, I can't say it enough that I'd even give up my life to take him back. Nah, that being said. The only last thing that I seriously refuse to believe is the impending death. Either my own death or Willy's.

 Willy's last profile picture on telegram

Death is just a matter of time, we all know that.

I had this incredulous vision just a couple week before he passed away. I saw myself sitting on a red chair, crying and weeping in despair, looking totally lost and devastated. Next to me is a white coffin, but I can't see the person inside.

But I know that's a very close person to me
And I only have ONE person who's close to me
It's Willy
 
I shook my head to clear the vision. I thought,

'NO ONE IS GOING TO DIE. But if someone must, let it be just me, Willy got a loving mother and family. Me? Yes I have a loving dad and I know he's the person that will be saddened the most when I die. But it's better for Willy to keep on living because I WANT HIM TO LIVE HIS LIFE. Because he got more people love him than I do.

I really thought it was me who was going to die. I need 4 packs of blood to be transfused each year anyway. I'm chronically ill and I hope it's really me who'll die!!! There's no way Willy is going to die, no freaking way. I should be the one who die, not him. BUT WHY HIM?

Willy said if we die, we'll die together.



I rebuked him for that. This one is obviously him being witty.

To the more obvious one, in a serious manner. this happened one year ago...today.









I gave my bank card to him and a few days later he insisted on giving it back to me.
I refused, because it's already 23.00!!! and I knew he's sick. I don't want him to be even sicker! I mean If he wants I could go to his place tmr. Just seriously not that night because he really need to take a rest! I got stressed out knowing that someone I care about is sick, let alone coming all the way to my house in a middle of the night! JUST NO.

He said:

"while there's still time" "I want to be with you" "who knows tomorrow.... (we'll gonna die)"

I had to rebuke him for saying such a stupid thing! The thought of him passing before me got me stressed out big time! He's the only one for me, if he's not around I'll be alone again!!! How should I live without him? You have your family, while I don't! Willy is my family! My father is too busy, though he cares for me a lot. But Willy is the ONLY person who stand by me side during my hardship.

____________

Around May, or June...
Willy and I had a dinner together at "racun 12 unpar". He munched softly before suddenly placed his fork and spoon on the plate. He averted his eyes from plate to me, staring at me in a serious manner, and abruptly said:

"I won't live pass thirty"

"huh? What's that all of a sudden?" I protested
"I seriously won't live pass thirty, you'll see" he insisted.
"don't say such things, ok! I WON'T LIVE PASS THIRTY TOO! So I'll die soon" I retorted.
"No please don't die on me, I'd be crazy if you go first I'll kill myself"
"I'll kill myself too if you die!!!" (*Note that I'm still suicidal while writing this, but the thought of God keeps me sane and... breathing, at least, though not in a very good shape)

"why are you saying that?" I questioned him
"I don't know, just feel like so."
"never ever say such things anymore!"
"sorry kim..."

____________

On other occasion, he was driving me back and it was close to my then bouse already. He said

"I can't. I really can't and won't accept if you die before me. I'd be crazy  I just don't know.... I mean I must die first"

I had to rebuke him again for that. Like seriously, he keeps on talking about die die and die, in a different manner with me. Of course I've said such kind of thing, once, or twice, things like, "it's better for me to die first"

I remember telling him a long story of a girl, -but let's keep it short- who got separated with her lover, and after years of hardship, they managed to be together again. But the girl was too sick and died not long after that.

I asked willy, "who suffer the most?"
Willy bawled, "THE BOY LAH! WTF is that story I hate it you are an inept story maker, why so sad!? Of course the boy is the one who suffer the most!"
I laughed, "The story just went by my mind ok? Don't you think the girl would suffer too? She'd be sad and culpable because she died, leaving the boy alone?"
"Damn I hate sad story and this is sad! you're the worst writer! both are sad but if I'd choose I don't want that boy position, ever! it sucks I'll get crazy!"

Of course I prefer to die first too, if I can choose.
But thinking about it, Willy might suffer a lot if I die. So yeah, what happened to me, though  it's excruciatingly painful... it's better! as long as Willy is not suffering... because I can safely assume that he's closer with God now. Of course he'd prolly be happier than me. And I really do hope so.


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