Monday, December 26, 2016

share the love

one time, upon knowing what was happened to me (about my family), someone asked "how are you so strong???"

in fact, I'm not strong
I'm weak, I did want to commit suicide but something told me that

"even if I don't get enough love, I still CAN give love to others, to broken people like me, lots of people out there need the love. and every human is a unlimited source of LOVE."

I stammered, that words is echoing in my mind, again and again.

all that I know is that when I look down
there's people who don't even get to sleep in a warm bed
there's people who don't even got a home
there's people who are disabled
there's people who don't get enough food everyday

tears dribbled down my cheek as I know how thankful I am for this beautiful life. Eventhough I don't have my own house now, I could rent a room and I can sleep on a bed, I can eat everyday, and I can share the love I have.

and eventhough I'm physically alone now, I wouldn't waver.
it's been good.

all I want is to take away all the sorrow from the broken and lonely souls like me.
I hope I'd have time and strength to make that happen

Love to Father

Father, If I still may ask, I just want to learn how to love you more and in a right way.
I know I haven't been loving you enough, but instead I love myself more.
teach me to deny myself
teach me to love you more than anything else in this world
more than I have loved anything else

I've given up my wish to have my own little family
but if you want me to have one let it be done according to your will, not my will
Teach me to totally give myself to you Father
for I know that your plans are not to harm me, but to help me
I need your guide to understand, and to walk with you in this trial

don't abandon me Father
love me still
and while I'm still here
please use me as a tool to help those broken souls

Amen

Thursday, December 22, 2016

washed out

a few days ago, I decided to finally wash the dark green jacket that Willy left for me. I gave my yellow jacket to Willy and I still remember when he said that he loved to wear it because there's still a whiff of my scent there. He also told me that he wore my jacket when he was doing a check up at RSHS.

for you, washing jacket might be just an incosequential thing to do. but well, you know, I haven't washed his jacket for more than a year now. I sniffed on the jacket right before I washed it and there's still a teeny bit of willy's scent left there. I cried. But with washing that, I told myself that I'm ready to go on a new journey. to start fresh.

While of course I'll still be clutching my memories of Willy in my heart, I also need to keep on moving forward, with or without a partner. I'm not afraid, really. it's just that I'm drop dead tired. I don't know how long I could stand still. But as long as I'm strong enough, at least I've always been trying, through tears and laughter.

and just a week ago, I lost someone that's very dear to me. I keep on losing someone, that's so sad. I won't talk much about it though...

but anyway, again, with or without partner, I will try to keep on moving. I'll trudge down the way.

May God be with me

Friday, December 16, 2016

I'm the same now

I'ts been done and I regret it
I'm sorry that I was so weak
but there's no way back
the sin lives in me

will the blood if Christ washed my sin away this time?

regret won't take me back
I gotta pass through this cruel world with blood, sweat, and lots of tears.

people are mostly cruel
only a little really do care

may I be strong

Amen